I have not updated my blog until now - the reason being is that I wanted my last post,"How being bullied changed my life forever" to get its much deserved attention.
And my next post was going to be about proactive ways to curb the bullying problem in schools, but that post has yet to be edited by my friend Mark. That particular post needs to be near technically perfect to be seriously considered by its intended target audience (High-School Teachers, and Principles).
However for now I will write my guide to surviving mental illness. This guide will be the product of my suggestions I personally follow within my own life.
As mentioned in my previous post, I live on disability for chronic depression, generalized anxiety, social paranoia, and Attention Deficit Disorder. I've also had my share of insomnia, and panic attacks.
Aside from suffering and struggling with the symptoms listed above, I struggle most with the judgement I face from society, and my own self doubt. The problem is that my disabilities are only visible to those who have lived with me for some time and have consequently witnessed the gravity of my personal struggles.
As a result I have been accused of being a parasite in society, and perceived as a criminal who masterminded a disability pension after fooling dozens of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, counsellors, and nurses, and countless tests and examinations.
The reality is horribly unfair, I have suffered enough because of my disabilities - and I'm judged on top of it all.
And because of this judgement, I live a lot of my life in shame, and the mentally ill should not have to live in shame. Which brings me to my first point - recognize and accept your limitations.
1. Recognizing and accepting you limitations.
The longest I have ever successfully held a 9-5 job is 2 weeks (my personal best), so it's highly unrealistic that I am going to start working tomorrow and keep a job for the next 5 or 10 years.
My limitations restrict me from being part of the never ending working force. It involves a lot of positive self talk on my part, and pushing myself to ignore my paranoia and social awkwardness. It is a truly uncomfortable position for me to hold.
That's what I appreciate about volunteering, I can work within my own schedule and comfort, and all of my efforts are appreciated. Best of all volunteering provides the greatest sense of purpose because you give without reward.
I ultimately settle for odd jobs found through networking through friends and family.
Accepting my limitations relieves me of the guilt I would otherwise feel for (quote) not contributing to society.
2. Sense of humour.
A sense of humour is absolutely critical to survival. It brings great relief and levity to otherwise overwhelming problems the mentally ill face.
3. Don't do drugs and alcohol.
Whether or not you take my word for it - drugs and alcohol and mental illness do not mix! Even smoking marijuana will become a coping mechanism for boredom, stress, anxiety, and any other emotional problems - soon nothing will seem enjoyable without it.
Drugs and alcohol will soon define how you miss-manage your problems, your identity, and what you ultimately stand for.
The critical point is that it requires a lot of effort, self-awareness, self-examination, and trial and error to properly manage the mentally ill mind but drugs and alcohol will distort all of these efforts.
4. Medication and treatment.
It's critical for those afflicted with mental illness to take their prescribed medications. However what tends to happen is that the mentally ill start to feel better while on their medications, and consequently stop taking their medications. Of course this is proof that the medication 'was' working but eventually the brain will return to its previous troubled state.
And of course it needs to be impressed that psychiatry is very much a process of trial and error. And because of this fact many patients will be deterred from the psychiatric process of prescribing medications - too many pills with too many negative side-effects.
In lieu of the above mentioned, all I can suggest is to pursue more testing to target the problem more accurately because once the problem is better understood - the more accurately it can be treated with fewer complications.
And patients should never shy from changing their psychiatrists, some psychiatrists and patients will never work effectively together.
5. Pursue a purpose.
The popular ideology of our society is that our job is our purpose in this world. However just because some one does not have a job does not mean they have no purpose in life.
My purpose in life is the same as any one else - it's to help and serve others, for a life not lived for others is a life not worth living.
Currently I am pursuing my new purpose through sharing my own experiences with bullying, and mental illness. Perhaps others like me will feel some comfort in knowing their not alone and/or even benefit from my knowledge shared.
But my most important purpose it attending to my physically disabled wife, and being a father to my daughter, Raven.
Personally I think everyone who has suffered because of mental illness should publicly share their experiences. For the public needs to be educated, and too many people like myself feel completely alone and misunderstood.
There is great purpose to be found in volunteering and not necessarily through a non-profit organization but simply helping people in your life that needs to be helped.
6. Choose your friends very carefully.
The most damaging people you can have in your life are judgemental people. People inflicted with mental illness like myself are so fragile that harsh criticism from judgemental people can destroy us to the point of possible suicide.
There is a distinct difference between concern and judgement, and people speaking out of concern and simply judging.
In judgement there exists little to no empathy for your fellow human being. In concern there exists a wanting for a better life for your fellow human being.
Judgement is not proactive, it is simply destructive.
7. Challenge yourself.
If you know me, you know I have a Guinness World Record, and 3 other world records with RecordHolders, and have been published in 2 books (one being the, Ripley's Believe It or Not, 9th annual hard cover book).
And it all started with documenting my progressive record bests.
Challenge yourself academically or athletically or spiritually - every new accomplishment you achieve will bennifit your self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence greatly.
8. Be receptive to input.
In many things I do - I ask for input from those I trust. It is an effective measure in keeping a proper and effective perspective and balanced ideology.
It's a good means to relieving self doubt, and growing as a functional and impacting human being.
These are all simply suggestions from my own learned experiences.
How being bullied
changed my life forever - We are all born great - Life is just a matter of
proving it .
I live on
disability for Chronic Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and Paranoia. I also
have Attention Deficit Disorder.It's
also fair to say that I suffer from a socially related anxiety and paranoia.
I suffer
from bad insomnia most nights, had my share of panic attacks - some lasting
hours,and my mind is a confusing place
filled with cluttered thoughts.
Many times,
my mind will obsess over the same series of thoughts in what can be best
described as a negative feedback loop of flawed logic.
As a result, there are too many times I remain
indecisive of what I should do, and too many times I remain simply unsure of
myself.
Many times
I have felt as if I were the ugliest and most worthless person on the planet -
it's an intense feeling of absolutely darkness - like being lost in the cold
endless vacuum of space, with no hope of ever returning.
I also get
haunted by thoughts to do with my past, a haunting would be the best way to
describe it.
I was
misdiagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic for many years, and some thought I
suffered from Asperger Syndrome.
I get
stressed very easily, I get scared easily.
I'm scared
of life, and I'm scared of people - I said it.
I'm
terrified of making new friends for fear that they will judge me for living on
disability, and subsequently verbally assault me with a demeaning lecture.
I feel a
disconnect with people in general, there is a big part of me that feels somewhat
alone and lost when it comes to people.
I mention
my mental illness because its regressing effect through-out the years most
likely played a vital role in why I fell victim to being severelybullied in school.
And vice-versa
being bullied in school most likely worsened my mental illness in a indefinable
negative feedback loop.
If I had
never been bullied, perhaps I could have had enough stable self worth and a
more manageable mental illness to sustain a normal life with a productive
career. It's truly impossible to say.
Who is to
say, people have committed suicide because of being bullied - its potential
impact on any individual person cannot be measured.
To my
merit, I don't drink alcohol or smoke pot, or do any drugs because such things
simply do not mix wellwith mental
illness. I attend to my physically disabled wife of 6 years, my daughter, and
my mother - all of whom I love very much . I clean house, try to take care of
myself, help others when I can, and fill my life with as many accomplishments as
I can.
Most of the
bullying that I suffered I suffered from grades 9 to 11. When I started grade 9
as a new student at Hillcrest junior High School in Edmonton, back in 1989 and
almost finishing grade 11 at Ardrossan Junior Senior High School in Strathscona
County in 1993.
Reflecting
back, I was an exceptional teenager, I never smoked cigarettes, or weed - I
never touched drugs or alcohol. I never engaged in teenage sex, or even swore -
I was politely spoken. I was never in trouble with the police, and I respected
authority, and my parents. All the comments on my school report cards were -
quiet and co-operative, and a pleasure to work with.
I had
attended 12 different schools in my life, an lived in 30 homes, and there is
nothing worse than being the new kid in a new school with no established
friends to start with.
I worried a
lot about being accepted by my peers, and could never quite figure out how so
many other students managed to be accepted.
I was most
likely an easy target because I was shy, and was afraid of conflict - so when
conflict occurred - it simply got worse. I walked with my head down through-out
the school halls because I was afraid of being in a strange place full of
strangers.
During
those few years I was slapped, spit on, suckered punched, randomly attacked,
pushed through-out the halls, had my books knocked out of my hands, had food,
shaving cream, pencils, and God knows what thrown at me, had my lockers
vandalised, had a garbage can dropped on me from the school roof, had demeaning
signs stuck on my back, and tripped.
On a daily
basis I was threatened by someone wanting to beat me up, called names like
nerd, loser, faggot, freak, geek, etc.
I even had
people I did not even know come to me to tell me that I was a loser, and people
who told others ,"don't be friends with that guy - he's a loser."
When I
accomplished something great, I was accused of somehow cheating, and when I
failed at something they simply rubbed it in my face - anything and everything
to destroy me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I had to
eat my lunches alone everyday because no one would let me sit with them at the
lunch table.
And when
the teacher would ask the class to split into groups, I was further humiliated
by having to be assigned to a group by a teacher. Because no-one wanted me in
their group, usually they would say, "I don't want that loser in my
group."
Not to
mention all the constant nasty rumours spread about me - which rarely held any
amount of truth what so ever.
They made
fun of every detail of my character, my long legs, my crocked left ear, the
bounce in my walk, my duck feet - details that people wouldn't even notice
unless the observed me very carefully. It was as if they tried so hard to find
any flaw I had.
Girls would
not even speak to me, even when I tried to speak to them - they ignored me like
I was a Leper.
A few kids
even told me that I should kill myself, that killing myself would make everyone
happy and I should seriously consider doing it.
I was
severely bullied - most people say they've been bullied, but not to the extent
that I was. When I went to school I wore the scarlet letter on my back.
In a
strange sense I was the most popular kid, because everyone knew that I was at
the very bottom of the social hierarchy. When I walked into a class I could
sense that people in general simply loathed me.
Somehow
being the victim to all the verbal and physical abuse meant that it was all my
fault, that I deserved everything that happened to me. That was the atmosphere
of the school, as far as anyone was concerned my sole purpose was for others to
build their popularity by stepping on me, and entertaining themselves at my
expense.
I cannot
explain the atmosphere of animosity I experienced from all those in the school.
I started
skipping school, it was my only defense mechanism - I could no longer handle
the emotional impact from so much overwhelming negative pressure propagated
from so many students.
Nor could I
mentally handle it - I was bombarded with messages from my peers that I was
worthless. It severely damaged my self-worth. Shame was all I knew - shame to
be myself.
My school
marks suffered immensely, while everyone was getting optimal grades to pass
unto college or university - I was barely passing my classes. I could not focus
on my school work - survival was my first priority.
For a short
time I did drop out of High-School completely. I was a High-School dropout. But
I somehow had enough resiliency to eventually graduate from High-School.
Reflecting
back, my human rights were violated, and the Edmonton and Strathscona School
board failed me. Every human has the right to be educated, and all I learned
was that people have nothing but contempt for me, and that there is an inherent
cruelty in every person.
I remember
one incident where I paired up with a friend during wrestlingin gym class, and I inadvertently and
unintentionally broke his arm - after class dozens of students wanted to shake
my hand because they hated him just as much as they hated me.
That is
psychopathic. And sick.
That is one
lesson that sticks with me to this day - in every person there is evil, every
person has the capacity to do and allow evil.
It's not
just the bullies, it's the bystanders too. The people who see no evil, hear no
evil, speak no evil, because they teach everyone else that the bullies are
justified in what they do. And the bystanders, especially the girls I noticed,
promoted the bullies by ignoring me, because they feared that if they were seen
conversing with me it would ruin their reputation.
Being a
social animal is a double edged sword.
Girls dated
the bullies who tormented me, what kind of message is that?
And
ironically the ones who bullied me the most were the ones who knew me the
least.
I was
betrayed by my own people.
And the
thing is that a victim of bullying can either explode inward or outward, that
is to hurt themselves as in suicide or hurt others.
I reached
out to the school counselor on a weekly basis but nothing was changing. I had
to go to school - I had no choice if I didn't I got into trouble. It didn't
matter after a while if I stuck up for myself because they would retaliate even
worse.
I just
wanted it to stop. I was confused and lost with no supports.
every
person has their breaking point, and the scary reality of bullying is that the
bullies will push you to your breaking point by any means necessary.
When you go
through the bullying I went through as a teenager, you believe this will be the
rest of your life. You really just want to die but are too afraid to kill
yourself.
After
High-School I was haunted for years by the same re-occurring nightmare,I would be sitting in class at school and all
the kids would gang up on me and beat me with wooden bats.
I graduated
in 1995, but I had 5 subsequent suicide attempts from 1994 to 2000.
2 of my
suicide attempts were almost successful - the doctors were not sure if I was
going to make it.
And those
suicide attempts were the result of being haunted by the bullying I endured.
Because I had this damaged identity that I was a lowly worthless person. That I
had to hide this damaged identity in my everyday life - it was my shameful
secret to bear.
Rejection
and pain continued to haunt me. even after high school I had to walk with that
worthless person who was me.
It took
years to get over the trauma I suffered in High School.
I'm 40 years-old,
now, and I'm starting to come to terms with what happened to me for those few
years. I'm starting to accept what happened to me, and at 40 years-old I am
making this video. I am really surprised that I was never diagnosed with post
traumatic syndrome.
Bullying
has changed my life forever, I even tried to upgrade my schooling past my High-School
Diploma but could not do it because when I sat in a class of adult students - I
felt that I did not belong there - it was too reminiscent of being in school
when I was in grade 11.Sure I was not
bullied in an adult class but it felt so wrong to me even though I wanted to
learn.
So within
my life I have been plagued (cursed) with both mental illness, and bullying.
Surely bullying resulted in my mental illness getting that much worse, and
surely my mental illness made me vulnerable to being bullied in the first
place.
And the
effect of being bullied and the effect of my mental illness affected what I
could pursue in the public - like upgrading, going to college, or even
university, or working with people.
There was a
girl who posted a YouTube video about being bullied in school ,the video at
first only received a few views. And it was not until she committed suicide
shortly after that her video made the news and subsequently went viral.
It's so
disheartening to think that some people have to become martyrs just so their
message can be heard - especially when the message is so important.
I know that
if one of my suicide attempts had been successful, I would have missed out on
what I was meant to do in life. I don't think my death would had made the news.
However,
there was a seed planted within me, because of being bullied I had started to
developed a blood thirsty hunger to be better, not just better, but the best -
because I could not accept that I was so worthless as person.
I had to be
destined for something greater than what I endured in school. There had to be a
reason for it all - it had to be the type of mental training a super-hero would
go through - like fighting all their villains all at once.
The
greatest story is one where a man can rise beyond his greatest tragedy, and
become a champion. When I was bullied I was at my lowest point in life - it was
my greatest tragedy. Hero's are born from tragedy.
The Finnish
call it Sisu - it means to win when all the odds are stacked against you.
Back in
1993, September 10th in a bid to improve my life I created my Personal Records
Book - a book detailing all of my personal records. The idea was simple, set a
record and break it, and break that record - until I got so good I was
unbeatable.
I had
something to prove. I was going to be better than average - better yet I would
refuse to be average.
I was an
under-dog that developed a blood thirsty hunger to be at the top - not the
bottom.
I started
with no self-worth, completely broken down from being bullied, and even after
High School I had my crippling mental illness to deal with. I worked hard to
break more and more personal records meanwhile I went through months of depression, a lot of
self doubt, and too many episodes of hopelessness.
My first
major accomplishment was in 1994, March 12th, I won my first public athletic
event - a 27 story stair climb hosted by the Sexual Assault Center - I was the
Summit Up Champion.
2010 June
6th, I was featured in the Edmonton Sun on page 2 in a nationwide article from
Vancouver to Toronto, and seen by all of Canada. The article's name, "Kite
Flyer's eye in the sky."
2011
November 1st, I was published in my first book ever, The RecordSetters Book of
World Records (page 86).
2012
January 5th, I held 3 world records with RecordHolders.org (also known as
Alternative Records) - the 2nd largest record company to Guinness.
My push-up
record with recordholders.org (one-armed,
with hand on a raw egg)
(3 world
records listed with The Book of Alternative Records)
2012
September 1st, I was published in my second book, "Ripley's Believe It or
Not - download the weird" 9th Annual Hard Cover (page 160). For my 11
one-arm push-ups on a raw egg without breaking the egg. The odds of being in
the book sold world-wide were 1 in 2.6 million.
2013
November 13th, I received my first Guinness World Record Certificate for most
balloons blown up in 1 hour. The odds of getting a Guinness World Record are 1
in 175,000.
85 times I
have been in newspapers or on tv.
I went from
being bullied, and having to endure through crippling my mental illness to
become a Guinness World Record Holder, and a Ripley's Believe It or Not - not
to mention 3 other world records, also published in 2 books.
And in
2014, my YouTube Channel reached 1 million views! My top video has 192,000
views!
If I had
never been bullied - I would have never been a Guinness World Record Holder,
and a Ripley's Believe It or Not.
I
accomplished my dreams in life. this was the hardest video I have ever done,
but I believe it is my life purpose to spread my message - I don't know how my
video or its message will be received but I had to do this video - it is my
life, and it's important to me.
We are all
born great - life is just a matter of proving it.
(YouTube Video - How being bullied changed my life forever)
I have a Guinness World Record, and 3 other world records with The Book of Alternative Records, and have been published in 2 books (one of which was the "Ripley's Believe It or Not - Download the weird,"
9th annual Hard Cover (page 160).
I live on
disability for Chronic Depression, Generalized Anxiety, and Paranoia. I also
have Attention Deficit Disorder.It's
also fair to say that I suffer from a socially related anxiety and paranoia.
I also live with my physically disabled wife, Deb of 6 years within the city of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
For sometime now, I have been wanting to spread truly meaningful and impacting messages for the betterment of humanity on my YouTube channel which boasts 1,045,000 views.
I decided to blog when I realized that reciting from a written script for YouTube videos was too complex and difficult.
And that is where the beauty of the published word comes in - it is the product of my thoughts finalized without any need for auricle or visual presentational skills.
(Picture of me holding my Guinness and Ripley's certificates)
I know I can contribute some measure of wisdom from my own life experience when it comes to issues concerning mental illness, and bullying, and what the Finnish call,'Sisu' (To win when all the odds are stacked against you).
Of course the older I get the more aware I am that I am not as intelligent as I once thought I was. And there is far more that I don't know than I do know. Not to mention I have very real limitations - what is easy for most people is not so easy for me.
But I believe the unexamined life is not worth living, so I must continually examine my own life, and what lessons, and success's I can share from it for the benefit of others.
I must believe that my life holds a greater purpose, and that my trials and tribulations were not purely accidental and pointless but that they were lessons towards my evolution as a person.
My purpose in this life is the same as anyone else - it is to help others. For a life served for others is the only life worth living.
So I started this blog, my writing is on and off - sometimes I produce a well written piece, and other times my writing is questionable. I don't have all the answers, and my beliefs, ideologies, and perspective are always apt to change.But I must try.
I hope you find purpose in my new blog - Darryl Learie.
